life is hard

I know it's already halfway through Ramadhan
but still, Ramadhan Al-Mubarak to Muslims all over the world

last month, my Pak Nek was called to meet The Al-Mighty
it's not that I didn't anticipated it but it hit me that I don't have any grandparents anymore this coming Eid and it makes me sad
currently typing this with air mata bergenang lol
anyway, I'm grateful that I was home a week before his passing
and managed to see him even before my flight back to Shah Alam
because I didn't managed to do the same when my Mak Nek passed away last year

then a few weeks after that, my mama suffered from another attack of brain stroke
if you know me well, you would know that my mama just recently recovered from it
I was panicking and I anxious because I'm not there with her
during the first attack I was home and did all the caretaking
back then, I even thought of taking a semester off my study but my bapak told me not to
alhamdulillah she was in ICU for only 3 days and her condition was not as bad as the first attack

I sort of forced my bapak to book a flight for me to come home
flights were ridiculously expensive because it was during Gawai and school holidays
initially I don't have any plan to come home because I need to submit dissertation the week after
but I need to be home, I need to see with my own eyes that my mama is okay because my bapak was hiding things from me
he doesn't want me to worry about my mama when I already have so much things on my plate
but it was worth it to see my mama's smile when she saw that I'm home

during the 5 days in Kuching
I was busy writing my dissertation
before I flew home I managed to make my supervisor to see me
I told myself I really need to do this and graduate in time
I can't let myself to be a constant burden to my parents
I should be working next year and become a support system to my parents

it's difficult and overwhelming
but I need to push through the hardships
I'm not the type who easily display my weaknesses to the public
because I hate making excuses for myself
so I pray that in this holy month, Allah heard my prayer to be the pride and joy for my parents
I pray that He'll heard all of our prayers
assalamualaikum :-)


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