from me to you

assalamualaikum
it's midnight and I'm listening to all the sad songs in my laptop
I'm in one of those mood
I'm on my period
if you're wondering

Ashli is a bit sick
it's been quite some time
he feels like shit
that's how he described his condition
so he's been going to sleep earlier than usual
and I miss him

I know you'd be like
of course you miss him
you don't get to meet him as often as other couple

it's not about seeing him, touching him or heck smelling him
it's about, not connecting to him emotionally as much as I used to
it's been a cycle of good morning, I'm going out for lunch now, I'm driving back now, and I'm home
it's not that it's a bad thing
but I want more

I want more
I want more because it's going to be this same cycle once he's off to UK
there's no more me lying on my bed at the same time as him
because it will be 12.15 am in Malaysia and 5.25 pm in England

he's probably on his way home from class but I'm already on my bed
he will probably want to talk to me because it's midnight over there
but I can't because I'm at work

I want so much from him that I managed to wake up at 3 am because he called
he called because he can't sleep
he called because his tummy hurts so bad

I'm so scared that I'll miss his phone calls
early in the morning
I'm so scared that he'll say that he's got into another car accident
I'm so scared that he'll say he's hurting and no one knows
I'm so scared that he can't get enough sleep because it'll affect him the next day

and there's me
who's been depending so much on him emotionally
don't give me that bullshit
that nothing will change
because it will
and now I need to start to learn to adapt to the changes
and be the most understanding person on earth

it's so hard
just thinking of it
makes me cry
no kidding
I LITERALLY CRIED

I didn't tell Ashli
because hes been feeling like shit
so he needs his sleep
although I feel like shit
too

thank God I bought that eye masks
I need them
because I can't go to work with puffy eyes

so this is me
sad, scared and depressed
not to mention ugly
with puffy eyes and runny nose
signing out
good night
assalamualaikum

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