on being lost

my plan was to write on Malaysia Day which I promised in the previous post but I changed my mind.
a couple hours ago, my sister asked me to accompany her to photocopy some of her works then stop by at the nearby Watsons to buy some stuff.
when I was in the car I saw someone who resemble H but I told myself it was just me being paranoid.
guess what? it was him.

so what did I do?
I stepped out from Watsons and headed back into my car.
then I thought to myself "why are you hiding? I thought you're over him or at least you've been trying. it's been a year anyway."
the voice inside my head won so I headed back outside pretending I didn't aware of his existence or I tried to.
when I reached home later. the first thing I do was Whatsapp-ed my girls and told them "I feel like crying."
so I cried.

it's not that I haven't move on.
I saw his relationship status changed that morning.
my reaction was "what took them so long."
it's just that the wound. it's deep and doesn't seem like it would heal any soon.
I was hurt and I still am.
what will it took for this wound to heal?
it's been a year and I still haven't found the answer.

I never asked for them to be hurt the same way as I am.
I asked for my happiness. I pray for my sorrow to go away.
oh and I asked to never ever I would have to meet H again in any circumstances before my wound heal.
oh Allah, why did You made us met tonight?
what test are You giving me?
my heart, is it that strong to endure this?
what plan do You have for me?

whatever it is, I hope I'll pass.
for I is really grateful to be a part of Your plan.
to be a tiny and weak creature which You still care about.
to be one that You spend time just to test on.

Allah the Almighty, I pray that I will always be one grateful creature.
I pray to be one of those people who You will reward with happiness.
I pray upon You to be granted strength to live on this world.
I pray that the day I was written to meet You will be the day which I'm on my best.
Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.


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